There was a time when I ate a lot of kale chips, didn't buy bread, and avoided eating anything that was delivered via a window into my car. Then I graduated from college. Turns out, kale is really expensive when the rent is due, and when life feels like a post apocalyptic hellscape, you really need to eat two crunch wrap supremes and have a stomache-ache to match your soul-ache.
I'm trying to find a middle ground between this bizarre slew of fast food binge-fests, and my clean colon past, but i seem to be hovering by that 24 hour Taco Bell on Stadium a lot more, lately. At $1.75, A 7-layer burrito is cheaper than groceries.
2. my body hair
This started with the STAPH FEST 2012, a happy time, when I got a flesh eating virus in my armpit and then couldn't shave for two months. Since then, I've been very relaxed about the state of my extraneous body hair. Let's be real: I'm blonde. I'm not very hairy. I don't try very hard as it is. Now, I only shave my pits if it's a birthday, or I'm on a date that doesn't involve someone telling me about how he plays the baritone recorder.
3. Having Non-Ripped Underwear
It all comes down to cost. Look, I know that "5 for 25" is supposed to be a good deal, Victoria, but it simply is not. It's not a good deal, honey. And I know that hand-washing and delicate cycle are a thing...but laundry is a pain in the ass.
I'm in that middle ground where I can't just buy undies when I run out, but I can never remember that since I don't have coin laundry, I can afford to run my panties on the "delicate" cycle. As a consequence, I find my panties hugging tight to my blue jeans after putting them through two cycles in the dryer on the "Summertime on mars" setting.
4. Being Friends with my Exes
Ex-Friend Boy(noun): An ex boyfriend who you attempt to be friends with. This relationship generally consists of awkward coffee dates and half-hearted hellos at bars, followed by a speedy departure, because one of you is probably on a date. "You're really cool with each other", but it is a shallow and uncomfortable situation, and generally results in unnecessary rage and resentment from one or both parties.
Look, a relationship is essentially a friendship, and breaking up is, generally speaking, the equivalent of saying "Hey best friend, you're really going nowhere with your life, and I'm seriously hoping for something better." It's not criminal to say that, and in many cases, it's totally warranted. But it sucks to hear, and it's mean.
If you don't want to date me, that's cool. I'm hairy and my underwear are weird. But, like, then let's just not hang out. Let's call a spade a spade, and a douche-bag, a douche bag, ya feel?
**This rule doesn't apply if you are in an awkward, tiny friend group, or you need a lighting designer for your senior thesis.
5. Having People Think my Hair Isn't Dyed.
If Shakira Can Rock Four inch Roots, then SO CAN I.
--SheWolf OUT
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